Bum Rewind Reviews
by Dennis Fielder
Summary: Chester A. Bum reviews movies that came out before he reviewed them for the Nostalgia Critic. Caution: Some censored swearing and begging for change.
1. Batman: Mask of the Phantasm

**And now it's time for...  
**

**Bum Rewind Reviews**

Tonight's review...

Mask of the Phantasm

* * *

Chester: Oh my god! That was the greatest movie I ever saw in my life!

Everyone: HERE, HERE!

Chester: Whoa, when did I get an audience? Anyway, there's this guy called Bruce Wayne, but he is also BATMAN!

[The crowd cheers again.]

Chester: This is fun. Anyway, there's this new guy called the Phantasm, and he keeps killing mob bosses! "Who are you?" "I am your angel of death, and I'm gonna drop this statue of an angel on top of you!" "Why?" "You'll find out at the end of the movie! But you won't 'cause you'll be dead!" SQUISH! And at the same time, Bruce's old flame Andrea comes back, and she sounds like Lois Lane. And this triggers a flashback to when they first met, and Bruce was at his parents grave brooding. And he meets Andrea who is talking to her mother ala Lana Lang from Smallville... Kinda creepy, but whatever helps, right? And then it goes back to the present as Andrea's dating an a-hole who wants Batman arrested for the stuff the Phantasm is doing. Wait! I get it! The a-hole is the Phantasm!

(BUZZER)

Chester: Oh nuts. The first time I used my brain in years. So then, we get another flashback to Bruce meeting Andrea's daddy after he sees the car that will one day become the Batmobile. So awesome! But some of the guys who have died in the present want to talk to Andrea's father, and then the next day, Andrea leaves a note for Bruce. "I know I love you, but I have to go away with Dad. It's too soon!" "#$% this, I'm gonna become the goddamned Batman now!" And then comes one of the most epic shock and aw moments! Batman dawns his mask for the first time! And Alfred is horrified by the sight of him! ... Which seems even more awesome since it shows he's afraid for what his friend has become! So then in the present, the last mob guy asks the Joker for help, and the Joker sounds like Luke Skywalker on helium and laughing gas. So he kills him! And then he realizes that the Phantasm's the culprit, and he goes to the a-hole because of some unknown reason. Meanwhile, Andrea goes to Batman and says, "Hi Bruce." "Hi Andrea. Your father was involved in a money scam." "Yeah, and now he's sworn revenge on the mob." "That means he's the Phantasm." "Yup." Boy was that a twist I saw coming a mile away!

(BUZZER!)

Chester: Huh? Oh! It turns out that the a-hole sold Andrea's dad to the mob and the Joker killed him before he was the Joker. And when the Phantasm goes after Joker, it turns out it's Andrea. Whoa, I did not see that twist coming! So Andrea and Bruce argue about killing, and Batman beats the crap out of the Joker and there's a big explosion! Then Bruce is sad until he finds Andrea's locket and we find out she's alive and on a luxury cruise but still sad! So Mask of the Phantasm was really, really good. I just have one question. Where's Robin? You can't have a Batman movie without Robin! Oh, well, right? (Holding up a paper cup) Change! Ya got change? Oh come on, help a guy out will ya? Come on, change! Well at least give me enough to watch Return of the Joker, I hear that's just as good.

* * *

Seriously thought, Batman: Mask of the Phantasm was fantastic.


	2. Batman: Christmas with the Joker

******And now it's time for...**  


**Bum Rewind Review**

Tonight's review...

Christmas with the Joker

* * *

Chester: Oh my god, this is the greatest episode of Batman I've ever seen in my life! Merry Christmas! And a happy new SPOILERS! There's this guy named the Joker, and he breaks out of Arkham Asylum on a Christmas tree!

[Everyone cheers.]

Chester: So at the Batcave, Robin wants to relax and have a nice Christmas while Batman is busy looking for the Joker. "Come on Batman, even insane clowns spend time with their families." "He has no family." "Ooh, you got me there." And then we find out a horrible truth! Batman's never seen It's a Wonderful Life!

[The crowd gasps.]

Chester: I know! Who hasn't seen that magical film?

Spoony: A pox on you, Batman! A pox!

Chester: Spoony, get lost!

Spoony: Aw... You never do crossovers.  
Chester: Because this is my show! Now where was I? Oh yeah. So after patrol, there's no sign of the Joker, and Batman and Robin are about to relax when Joker appears on the TV. He has them go through a series of dangerous and, somewhat questionable, challenges. Because at midnight, he'll kill Commissioner Gordon! A red head who is not Mary Jane Watson! And Harvey Bullock! "Hey Batman, I'm gonna blow up a train." "What? Why?" "To delay you while time runs out." " #$% that, we're the goddamned Batman and Robin!" "Yeah!" "Shut up, Robin!"

[Chester starts jumping up and down.]

Chester: And so they find Joker in an old TV station, and he threatens to drop the hostamages in acid unless Batman opens a Christmas present. "Don't do it, Batman!" "It'll be alright." Splat! And he's hit in the face with a crème pie... That doesn't really do anything just gets his face messy. I tell you I never felt more terrified on my life! He could have been suffomicated by the whipped cream! So then Batman captures the Joker and Robin saves the hostamages. So at the house they relax by watching It's a Wonderful Life, which Bruce admits is good, and the Joker is laughing in prison all alone in a straight jacket. Wait... Where's Harley Quinn?  
Linkara: She wasn't created yet.  
Chester: Oh. So sad. Anyway... CHANGE! Ya got change? Oh come on, help a guy out, will ya? Come on, change! At least give me enough to watch another episode. DBDs are expensimanive!

* * *

Seriously though, this episode is what I love to see in Christmas Specials. Normal occurrences mixed with holiday cheer and a happy ending.


	3. Batman: The Laughing Fish

**And now it's time for...  
**

**Bum Rewind Reviews**

Tonight's review...

The Laughing Fish

* * *

Chester: Oh my god, this is the greatest Batman episode I've ever seen in my life!

Voice: You don't like any of the other episodes for the series.

Chester: Shut up disembodied voice! This is my show! Anyway, it's starts with, get this, FISH! And they all have the Joker's face. So Batman steals a fish and examines it. And Alfred is like... "Sir, what's the Joker's plan?" And Batman is like... "I have no idea." Whoa! Didn't see that coming! So Joker and his girlfriend Harley Quinn go to this legal guy. "All the fish in Gotham now have my face, so I demand a copyright on them!" But the guy is like, "I don't want to do anything illegal!" And I'm like, "Wait, how's this illegal?" And the guy explains, "No one can copyright fish. They're a natural resource." And the Joker's like, " #$% resources! Give me my copyright, or I'll kill you!" And Harley's like, "You stink." Then she sprays him with pink perfume and leaves. I'm like, "Oh. He's in for it now!" So Batman's in the Batcave and he discovers something! The toxin that gave the fish the Joker's face won't affect humans, so they can safely eat it. Though I wouldn't. It looks like they died while having sex with Ariel.

[Everyone boos.]

Chester: Shut up, it was clever! So then a TV commercial comes on where Joker gives some fish to Harley. "Mr. J, I don't like fish." "Eat it!" Harley's like, "I'm going to puke." And then Commissioner Gordon and Harvey Bullock are guarding the guy, and Bullock's like, "No one's getting in." And Batman shows up and is like, "Then how'd I get in here?" And then a harpoon fish comes and stabs a portrait releasing gas, and the guy begins laughing until Batman calms him down, and I'm like, "What the hell happened?" And Batman's like, "Harley Quinn's perfume was half the Joker Toxin recipe, and the gas was the other half." And then the Joker says he's going after another pencil pusher, and they go to his house to save him. And then a cat comes, possible homage to cat woman? Anyway, the cat has a Joker fish. So it bites Batman! Batman starts laughing like crazy, and I'm like, "HOLY SHIT; THERE'S NO HOPE FOR HUMANITY!" But then it turns out that Batman is the guy they were supposed to be protecting and the guy is actually Batman...huh? Anyway, Batman injects anti-toxin into both guys, and Bullock's like, "I'm sick of being in a show about Batman! I'm gonna go fight Joker myself!" "He's at the aquarium." Then he gets himself captured. "Come on, Mr. J; let's feed him to the Sharky!" "No! We'll wait for Batman to show up!" "Why?" "Because I prefer feeding my shark the big fish!" "Again with the fish! I hate fish!" But Batman shows up, Hooray! "Let Bullock go, Joker! It's me you want!" "Okay." "Crap." So Batman is tossed into the tank with Bullock, but he uses a device to cut through the glass so they all escape, and the shark falls into the ocean. Where does he get those wonderful toys? So Batman makes sure Bullock is okay and then goes to fight the Joker! Joker jumps off the building and inflates a floaty. "See? I think of everything!" "What about the shark in the water?"... "The what? Oh no!" And so the Joker falls into the water, ambiguously dying, and Harley's like, "PUDDIN'!" And Batman's like, "He's not dead." And I'm like, "Holy cow, what does it take to kill that crazy clown?" "Watch Return of the Joker to find out." "Okay." So this episode was really, really good, and Harley Quinn was really, really hot. There's just one more thing to say... CHANGE! Ya got change? Oh come on, help a guy out will ya? Come on, change! Well at least help me buy a Harley Quinn! I'm in the market for one!

* * *

Seriously though, Laughing Fish was a classic Joker episode, and I really enjoyed Harley in that game.


	4. Batman: Fire from Olympus

**And now it's time for...  
**

**Bum Rewind Reviews**

Tonight's review...

Fire from Olympus

* * *

Chester: Oh my god! This is the greatest episode of Batman I've ever seen in my life!

Random guy: You say that every time.

Bum: Shut up Scoonertuna! This is my show! Wow, I think I have a new catch phrase. Anyway, there's this guy running through an alley, and he ends up being cornered by a guy in the shadows. "It's not what you think?!" "You dare say I think not what I know?!" ... "Wait, what?" "Die, mortal!" Man screams and I'm like, "Holy shit, what the heck is happening?!" Then he goes to a hospital where Commissioner Gordon learns that the guy was struck by lightning on a perfectly clear day... What? So then he meets up with Batman, and they talk about the theft of a recent ray gun that was being shipped by Maximilian Industries, owned by a guy called Maxie Zeus. So Batman goes to Maxie Zeus, who's dressed like an Ancient Greek, and Maxie Zeus is like, "Hades, how art thou, my brother?" And Batman's like, "Uh... I'm good. So, do you have any info about that ray gun that got stolen?" "Nope." "Okay." So Batman then goes to Maxie Zeus' girlfriend, and Batman's like, "I want to help you help Maxie Zeus by taking away the ray gun he obviously stole." "Okay." So Batman goes through Maximilian Industries and Maxie Zeus is like, "I shalt only receive thou if thou faces the twelve labors of Heracles!" "Okay." So Batman fights a snake, and a wild boar and gets on to the roof just in time for him to save Maxie Zeus' girlfriend from being zapped, and Zeus tries to stop the ray gun from being destroyed, only he gets electromacuted! Hooray! And so he ends up in Arkham Asylum going, "Now at last, Mighty Zeus is home." Ei. That was dark. This is Chester A. Bum saying... CHANGE YA GOT CHANGE?! OH COME ON, HELP A GUY OUT WILL YA?! COME ON! CHANGE! I promise ten percent goes to Maxie Zeus' therapy bills! The rest will go to alcohol and drugs.

* * *

Seriously though, this episode is decent, but the ending is what will make you really care about this character.


End file.
